2020…That’s It. That’s The Title.

While scrolling through social media and seeing everyone’s recap of 2020 and their hopeful thoughts about 2021, of course, the idea of reflecting on my own year, going through my photos and notes to see all that transpired in 2020 popped into my head. But for some reason, I felt so hesitant to. I kept saying “I probably need to do it” and “I’ll do it after I do this” over and over. It was like a part of me didn’t want to look back through the year because I wasn’t sure what all I would see. I didn’t want to take myself back into some of the dark, dark spaces I visited in 2020. I told myself, “After all, I’m doing so much better now so there’s really no need to look back.” I felt fearful. I was fearful of reliving the bad times and returning in any kind of way back to where and who I was. 2020 may have just been the hardest year of my life, and I know a lot of people can most likely say the same. I’m honestly grateful to say I even made it through the year.

Although I know that I have come a long way and am in a much better space now, I knew that I needed to be able to face 2020. I knew in order to help anyone else that may be going through what I went through and to truly understand how I even made it through, I had to go back. So bravely, I looked back through the year 2020. All the trials and tragedies and losses. And I felt them. It hurt. They were hard. At times I felt completely defeated and joyless.

But when I looked closely, I could see in each difficult situation, the strength that was being pulled out of me. Strength I had no idea was even there. I saw the hope that was rising in the midst of uncertainty. I saw my faith growing deeper and deeper. I saw myself becoming more and more anchored in who I am and in my relationship with God. In every journal entry I wrote, I noticed each small movement forward. I didn’t notice them while I was writing, but now I can see clearly what was taking place.

Then I focused in on the moments of joy when spending time with my family, the pleasure and fulfillment in reaching out and connecting with people I probably took for granted before the quarantine, the requisite self-care moments, the new habits I have been able to develop and stick to, the mindset shifts and grounding. I let myself feel those even deeper. 2020 birthed the version of me I’d been trying to become for so long but had no idea where to begin in becoming her.

The thing that I was so afraid would pull me back into a black hole, actually brought me so much freedom. It helped me to deeper appreciate all that transpired, tough as it may have been because it led me to where I am now. It inspired and motivated me to keep going forward. To keep facing my fears. To keep fighting and keep pushing past what seems to be a dead-end in the moment. It assured me that I could get through anything. That God never leaves and he never stops reaching for me, even when I don’t feel him near. He’s still there. He always will be.

2020 was incredibly difficult, but it was the most humbling and grounding year I’ve ever experienced. The plucking and stripping away of things that didn’t matter, and the restructuring of my entire outlook on life and myself, made 2020 one of the best years of my life, in the strangest of ways.

I hope you are proud of yourself. YOU MADE IT! You made it through one of the toughest years some will ever see. Whether you came out of 2020 with new opportunities and a joyful heart, or you feel like you are hanging on by a thread and barely made it through, you still made it here. The fact that 2020 didn’t take you out shows how evident your strength is. I am so, so proud of you. 2021, we’re ready for you!