Journey To: Still

Here I am at yet another awkward phase of life. I find myself in these phases quite often. It’s like I’ve conquered a lot of fears so embracing uncomfortability has somewhat become my norm. I feel a lot more confident than I used to before. I’m in a position now that allows me to see myself and where I want to go in life more clearly. But at times I just feel this weird, semi-empty feeling. Like I feel grateful and happy for the most part. I love my life and would never take anything I have for granted, but if I’m honest there’s this dissatisfaction that I feel. It’s like I will be feeling fine for most of the day, but then I’ll have a moment where this feeling comes and I start feeling off and kind of down.

I think sometimes I question if I do enough, for myself, my family, my friends, my community, my career. I always feel like I’m missing some mark somewhere but you know what? I think it has to do with my lack of accepting where I am. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to always want to grow for better, however, it can become a little tricky when my longing to constantly do more & do better causes me to be dissatisfied and unhappy with where I currently am and all that I am currently doing. I think I’m in the process of learning how to balance the two because I think just as great as it is to want to grow for better, you also have to be okay with where you are right now. Because it’s like, if I’m not okay with it now, chances are I will never be. I can be doing a million things but if my focus is always what more I could be doing and I don’t take the time to look at how far I’ve come and be grateful for the growth I’ve already experienced and accept where I am in this moment, I think at a certain point I’ll kind of burn out and find myself more and more unhappy.
I think sometimes I determine my value by all that I’m doing. So if I go through a dry season where I’m just kind of figuring out what my life is like, I feel less valuable and insecure and can beat up on myself about it. But that isn’t the truth. There’s beauty and meaning and purpose in every single season. The dry seasons, the difficult seasons, the blooming seasons, are all equally as important to your life and growth and purpose. So I’m learning how to not allow what I’m doing to dictate my worth because I have realized that I am so much more than what I have going on around me. Besides, I could be doing all these things but be broken and hurting and miserable on the inside. Having a lot of “things” going on doesn’t make me a better or more accomplished person, nor does it give me any sort of extra points in life. I want my insides to be right to even be able to have the capacity and mindset to accomplish all that I want to accomplish. So if I go through a season where things don’t seem to be working out or going the way I planned, I have to look at it as something that is growing me and giving me the capacity to be able to do all that I am supposed to do in this life I’ve been given.
So my challenge to myself and to you is to find the beauty and the significance in what you are currently doing or what’s currently on your plate. I don’t have to have every little thing figured out and be doing 50 million things all at once. I can just be me, where I am right now. Not having it all together, sometimes being unsure about what I want my life to look like and what next moves to make, but doing & being the best I can in the current state I’m in.
This is who I am and where I am in life and I have to accept and love and embrace me in every phase of life and I want you to do the same. You’re exactly where you are supposed to be right now. Embrace it. Love it. Cherish it. Grow from it. You are remarkable and exquisite in every phase and your journey is beautiful.